Jasmin Holley: Father Healing

What is it that I cling to?
That I have not released?
Just the wanting of my father’s love?
A father’s understanding?

He could not love,
He tried, 
He pushed, he pulled,
What he wanted, he could not give.

His feelings confused,
Sex and love,
Mother and child, 
Transferred to father and child.

Rejection of all he had,
All I wanted was his love,
All I wanted was his arms around me,
Telling me everything was ok.

Telling me that he was there,
Showing me the strength in love,
Showing me a father’s love.
Teaching me how to love a man.

Teaching me trust.

This was not meant to be.
His mind in torment,
His world in distress,
His thoughts reversed,

What I learned was not love,
It was to give myself away,
To try and try, to gain his love,
By doing what ever he wanted,

Thinking that this would work
He would love me,
He would be a father,
Surely, if I only tried and tried.

His hatred, his pain, his sadness,
His fear, his torment, his loneliness,
Became mine, I could take it, 
I could heal it, I could change it.

Then he would be my father.
He would love me, 
He would help,
He would show me, he would teach me.

Not to be, his self-hatred, manifesting.
Transferring to all weaker than he, 
Creating fear, panic, blood, and pain

Many years of therapy
Have changed the way I feel
The way I see what was

Thinking all was healed,
I opened myself to love.
And there it was, so beautiful.
So intense, So as I thought it would be.

Given, then taken fast away,
Creating a pattern of the past,
Triggering that which was:
a loss of my father’s love.

My feelings still strong, 
never ending it seems,
was/is this, my love,
is it only my father’s rejection transferred?

How incredible it seems to me,
that I could feel this way,
only through transference,
of my father onto my love.

Time will tell, if this revelation,
Is the answer to my prayers,
The answer to my confusion,
The answer to my freedom.

The answer to my father healing.
Allowing true love to enter my life,
my equal, my friend, my lover,
without the shadow of my father.

Lylad,

J holley  11-03-07